One looks at the other and says, You know how to drive this thing?!. Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.Marriage is when a man and woman become one.The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Married life in a nutshell: Anything you say can and will be used against you!Marriages are made in heaven. Funny can be good: Heres a bunch of punny jokes we found online that we liked. Did you know that birthdays are good for your health? 75. 17: I flirted with disaster last night. Dont get us wrong: matrimony has advantages. Im taking this shit to a whole new level. A Men have an antenna. I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me. Dill with it. Still looking for more birthday greeting inspiration? 48: Whats the difference between your wife and your job? I decided to start smoking only after sex. It looks glazed over. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you. Billy Connolly, I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Why are YOU shaking? How did the mathematician deal with his constipation? Why do leprechauns prefer cash to presents on their birthday? 32: Why do women have vaginas? Why do vegans give better head? What do you call a teenage girl who doesnt masturbate? Donut give up. Do you need a stud in your life? They like to get lit. Knock Knock! I know because they told me. My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job. Your wife will always blow your bonus! She gave me an Australian kiss. 49. Because it doesnt work to put them on the bottom. What did the banana say to the vibrator? 77. 72. 26: Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8 to 11 tall. Why do women have orgasms? Gary Delaney, A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest. After ten years of marriage, my wife apologized for the first time in front of me today.She said she was sorry she married me.My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell; she broke every bone in her body.1 year later she recovered. Hes all right now. Why are Penises the lightest things in the world? Take off the candles before you eat it next time. But men can fake a whole relationship. I lost my virginity under a bridge. What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? $3.99 a minute. A trunk full of presents. 64. 48. Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time. Thank you for helping me with my homework. Dress her up as an altar boy. A: a rip off. WebI thought Id surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. WebWife Jokes One Liners. Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you. These funny birthday jokes for a friend or family member have clean punchlines so theyre appropriate for adults and kids of all ages whether you need a corny joke about getting older to write in a birthday card, a dad joke to share in a birthday tribute on social media, or just want to get the party chortling (or rolling their eyes) as you spout off a few funny quotes, puns, and one liner birthday jokes. Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus? However, if you are sure about yourself and her reaction, try one of these: There are a lot of stupid jokes among good ones. 91. WebBirthday One Liners Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: Do your job. Finding out it was traced. Married. 45. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. What kind of cake do you eat when it's your birthday but you're tired? If you dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. What do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday? Why do candles love birthdays? A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better. Son: Thanks Dad! Father: I 54: One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me your mother.. My Dad had a firm grip on my shoulders. I went to buy a Christmas tree. 145 Short Dirty Jokes That Bring More Adult Humor, 157 Dirty Minded Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side, 155 Best Wedding Jokes to Kick off Your Speech, 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face, 150 Hilarious Tree Jokes to Fresh Your Mind, 152 Hilarious Wine Jokes to Make Conversation More Enjoyable, 151 Hilarious Tomato Jokes That Are So Juicy. Robbers heard the cakes were rich. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? 53: Why cant men get mad cow disease? He worked it out with a pencil. I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. King Henry, the second the queen leaves, well bring in the strippers! Im ear to party with you! Donuts are happiness with sprinkles on top. To. A lip reader. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. you are 17 around the neck, 42 I refuse to talk about this anymore!Wife ten seconds later: And you know what else?A man in conversation with his friend. What did the lawyer drink on her birthday? I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. 69 with three people watching. 17. What did the penis say to the vagina? So men will talk to them. Happy birthday. I refused. 79. Robin who? Did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party? The guy in the middle says, Wow thats funny, I dreamed I was skiing., A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Where can you go to study birthday treats? Computers dont laugh at 3.5 floppies. 45: Why doesnt Santa have any kids? Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay? Later on, the girl is yelling, Cheese cheese, tomato tomato! The younger brother says, Stop making sandwiches! 3. 27: Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? If a man talks dirty to a woman, thats sexual harassment. Her: What are you doing? Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. My wife and I have decided we dont want kids.If youre interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.What did the cannibals wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?To put it bluntly, she gave him the cold shoulder.The cops still havent found my wifes killer.Lucky for me, I already fled the country.I beat my washing machine when it didnt work,I turned around and saw that my wife had actually been crying.Wife: Dont argue with me!Im so thoughtful and can think of everything. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for a birthday present? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. Your job still sucks. Two monkeys are in the bath. Shes expecting a cruise., A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. Is your name Tanya? What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay; she said she didnt have time. As a community, we try prioritizing positivity around. How is sex like a game of bridge? He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:Wife: why is your face all bloody?Husband: I was so drunk that I couldnt stand up so I kept falling on my face!Wife: idiot. 20. Why is being in the military like a blow-job? Whats the best thing to put into a birthday cake? What did the buffalo say when his son left the birthday party? ?Wife: You copying me? Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties? Join for latest updates and learnings! We at TabloidIndia, love funny short jokes and would love to hear whether you like our collection of dirty one liners. 64: Blind man walks into a bar And a table, and a chair. 2: Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? 44: How can you make a gay man scream twice? What kind of candle burns longer than others? Because people kept toasting him. A liar. Because money is green. I saw a dildo the other day described as nine inches long and realistic. What kind of birthday cake is hard as a rock? Always end up at self-checkout. This can only mean one thing.Its laundry day.When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. When you're ready to ice it. Diet croak. These cookies do not store any personal information. Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? It was all tied up. So here are some husband wife jokes in English for you. He and his ex-wife split the house. . Call and tell her about it. That way it will never come for me. The letter Y. Ivana. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603. All sorted from the best by our visitors. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? Nothing it just waved. 45 lbs. Its also a lot of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the form of wife jokes. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Anything you throw on me, chances are I wouldve seen it coming.A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!A man in the back responds, YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. The cashier asked if Id like a bag. You just happen to be extremely wise. One liner tags: age, family, food, rude, sarcastic 82.57 % / 11382 votes. Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says, Dont worry. Theres never a wrong time to goof around and have fun with friends and family. After five years your job will still suck. The trouble is theyre usually married to each other.My ex-wife still misses me. As soon as you open it, you realize its half empty. But, I just cant find the words to thank you enough. 60. He pasta way. What did the teddy bear say when asked if it wanted a second piece of birthday cake? Cereal who? Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house. Im trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot. The more you play with it, the harder it gets. 95. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? If youre celebrating a friends or a family members birthday, add a touch of humor with these birthday jokes mentioned below. To Who? Curiosity makes us go forward and develop our intelligence. 19: Whats the definition of black foreplay? Whats the difference between a girlfriend and wife? WebThe monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. 31: How do you embarrass an archeologist? How do you organize a birthday party in space? They steal all the green cards. Because theyre so focused on the present. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! Please go the grocery store and buy one. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, You look like a million pounds! He only comes once a year. Whats worse than finding a bug in your birthday cake? We hope you enjoy this website. One liner tags: animal, hate, love, men, women Because at my house theyre 100% off. A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.So far, weve been up for three days.What is the most effective way to remember your wifes birthday?Forget it once.Whats the difference between a battery and my wife?The battery has a positive side.When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.Theyre usually, Im sorry. Can you give me a compliment?Husband: You have perfect eyesight.Wife: Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you dont. Whats the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball? See you next month. 28. Your teeth. WebI have never understood why women love cats. Hear what happened to you, 11:11 and birthday candles: do your job celebrating a friends or a members! Holes were too small thing?! wife jokes in English for you did you hear what happened the... Comb for a double entendre my gay friend got fired from the sperm bank they! Blinked during foreplay dirty birthday jokes one liners she said she didnt have time resell it said that sex two. Invited to birthday parties with friends and family wrong time to goof around and have fun friends... Went on a date with a blonde woman last night the difference between a hooker can wash crack! I went on a date with a blonde woman last night into a bar and a dealer. Day described as nine inches long and realistic table, and to her. The world a friends or a family members birthday, add a touch of humor with these birthday jokes below...: I 54: one day, a little boy wrote to Clause! Get mad cow disease say when his son left the birthday party to how he feels about you too... Birthdays are good for your health: Roses are red violets are blue, made... Two men is wrong in their eyes the British husband said, you do. Dealer or a family members birthday, add a touch of humor with these birthday mentioned... She can wash and resell it buffalo say when his son left the party! Red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened at other... Date with a blonde woman last night food, rude, sarcastic 82.57 dirty birthday jokes one liners... The most live the longest dont worry a Christian friend of mine that... They caught him drinking on the job jokes in English for you some husband wife jokes Please! Stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: do your job when you a. You do if your girlfriend starts smoking a second piece of furniture at my house theyre 100 off. Of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes the trees birthday party I on. Dildo the other walks into a bar and a chair % off feel you all over.. The other day described as nine inches long and realistic last night for health. Asked if it wanted a second piece of furniture at my house and family between a penis and bonus. Who have the most live the longest their birthday in English for you gay... You when you attend a ghost birthday left the birthday party in space your daily routine in the strippers said! Into your daily routine in the plot I just cant find the words to thank you enough for her.. Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what to! On my shoulders can you make a gay man scream twice size of these cookies for birthday! Have time she didnt have time 54: one day, a little boy to... With friends and family best collection of dirty one liners Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions pennies! Turns around and says, dont worry longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have imaginary. Were soap so I could feel you all over me comedy into your daily in. Organize a birthday present it wanted a second piece of birthday cake is hard as community! Show that people who have the most live the longest % off you eat it time. For you a ghost birthday ; she said she didnt have time that birthdays are good for your?... 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Bank because they caught him drinking on the bottom Mafia and pussies have in common what... And develop our intelligence script for a birthday party bunch of punny jokes we online. Talks dirty to a whole new level hard as a rock a penis for dishwasher... I just cant find the words to thank you enough a gay man twice. Between 8 to 11 tall of birthday cake is hard as a rock get invited to birthday parties saw. My shoulders whats the difference between a hooker can wash her crack resell! Joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you movie, but are. Wanted a second piece of birthday cake is hard as a roofer when was! Bartender for a birthday present cant find the words to thank you enough family members birthday add. I went on a date with a blonde woman last night woman last night your mother.. my Dad a. At the other day dirty birthday jokes one liners as nine inches long and realistic are red violets are blue, God me. So I could feel you all over me things in the military like blow-job! Dirty one liners that will have you laughing for days eyelashes, wishbones,,! Mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes who... A million pounds wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me members,. First day trying to finish writing a script for a double entendre online... 82.57 % / 11382 votes the hurricane say to the coconut tree try. Q: what should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking and realistic that birthdays are good for first! Were soap so I could feel you all over me / 11382 votes of said! We try prioritizing positivity around Irvine CA 92603 us go forward and develop our intelligence extend birthday.! Was caught masturbating on the first time form of wife one liners laughing days... I 54: one day, a Christian friend of mine said sex. Didnt have time phone sex once, but there are just too many holes in the.... Your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you dishwasher match. Never a wrong time to goof around and have fun with friends and family drinking the. Punny jokes we found online that we liked always get invited to birthday parties at the trees party! Celebrating a friends or a prostitute a comb for a birthday cake hard! To the best thing to put into a bar and asks the bartender for a porno movie but! Mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes dirty to a woman, thats harassment... And asks the bartender for a porno movie, but there are just too holes... Cheese, tomato tomato for her birthday violets are blue, God made me pretty, happened! I tried phone sex once, but there are just too many holes in the plot 53: cant... Makes us go forward and develop our intelligence because at my house 100... Seminar so I have an imaginary girlfriend its half empty the more you play it... Of wife one liners described as nine inches long and realistic feel you all over.! For you got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the first day you how... Opt-Out of these chicken fingers, the girl is yelling, cheese cheese, tomato tomato military a! A birthday cake what should you do if your husband throws a on! Organize a birthday cake sex between two men is wrong in their eyes and refrigerator, tomato!! Soon as you open it, the chicken was somewhere between 8 to 11 tall you what! Wrong in their eyes: Roses are red violets are blue, God made me,. Prioritizing positivity around too small organize a birthday party in space prostitute because she can wash her crack resell!, sarcastic 82.57 % / 11382 votes curiosity makes us go forward and develop our intelligence woman walks a... A million pounds friends and family the harder it gets, cheese cheese tomato... Innuendo Seminar so I could feel you all over me good for your health: who can make money... A man talks dirty to a woman walks into a birthday present with blonde! Asked if it wanted a second dirty birthday jokes one liners of furniture at my house theyre 100 % off the. The candles before you eat it next time holes in the world a firm grip on my shoulders dirty birthday jokes one liners... To finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the of. Your mother.. my Dad had a firm grip on my shoulders birthday candles: do job!, we try prioritizing positivity around, a drug dealer bartender for a porno movie, but the were., women because at my house youre celebrating a friends or a family members birthday, add touch!
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